10. Today, my girlfriend’s Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with “parental supervision”. Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

9. Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

8. Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said “no” over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

7. Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, “Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother.” FML

6. Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling good about it until I saw the interviewer. It was a guy I had sex with and never called again. He remembered me too. FML

5. Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that’s okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

4. Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

3. Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend’s braces. FML

2. Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

1. Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she’s pregnant. Good news: I’m probably not the father. FML