Top 10 F My Life Stories of the Week
10 Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
9 Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he’ll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML
8 Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn’t get lucky. FML
6 Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML
5 Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML
4 Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, “From god.” He came back with, “Daddy said it was from fucking.” FML
3 Today, I found a note on my door that said “I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook.” Someone else wrote “like” at the bottom. FML
2 Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I’d parked in my driveway. FML
1 Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with “Aww, you could’ve just given me head, babe.” FML
