10. Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML
9. Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

8. Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

7. Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys.  She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said “This one is my favorite” now I’m scared for her to see me naked. FML

6. Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

5. Today, I was taking care of a friend’s hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

4. Today, I talked to my boyfriend’s dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, “So, I hear you’re a screamer.” FML

3. Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: “You should throw your vagina in there along with them.” FML

2. Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn’t seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, “No, we’re going to need that one.” FML

1. Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, “They’re playing leap-frog.” My 4-year-old niece said, “Looks like they’re fucking to me.” FML